loss of self...

last night, i was faced with the ugliest side of myself.

i turned into a heartless, ruthless and evil b****. i trampled upon someone's heart, smashed it into trillions of pieces...and then, something inside me just died.

the love for myself, the respect i have for myself...just extinguished. like a flame in the wind. gone...no more.

so, i am left with an empty shell. i can't love myself anymore. i look at myself in the mirror, and i want to smash the mirror apart so i dun have to face myself anymore. i've been through times when i had no self-esteem, no self-value...no self-identity. but at the very least, i could love myself for being alive...i respected myself for wat little things i can achieve.

now, i think i am redundant, just another human being on this planet taking up space, wasting resources...incapable of bringing joy to others...good for nothing but causing chaos and destruction. i've brought nothing but tears, sadness and unhappiness.

i hate myself. and i remember someone saying,"to love others, u've gotta love urself first". does this mean i am doomed to not be able to love anyone else anymore? does this mean i'll end up hating the world?

i long for a shoulder to lean on and let me cry. perhaps, when i've cried enough, i can finally feel that bit of pain inside that indicates i still have the ability to love, and be loved.