I wish I can say that i am enjoying the journey to having the little one...
I wish I can rub my tummy and feel a sense of contentment and joy
I wish I can...but I can't deceive myself like that

More often than not, I feel that it is my problem than anyone else
My expectations were probably set too high up, hence the heavy sense of disappointment that I feel everyday

Having heard and observed the many dedicated daddies around me, I thought it would only be 2nd nature for the father-to-be to step up and be the support his wife needs
It may be as simple as waking up earlier and preparing breakfast or a warm glass of milk
Or complicated like preparing cut fruits or even lunch for mummy-to-be to bring to work
Or even more complex like taking on the bulk of reading and info gathering so that mummy-to-be can relax and not worry anything more than being a good home for baby till he/she is born

In the end, it is just one wave of disappointment, frustration and anger followed by another wave of guilt, self-contempt and depression

Rationally speaking, I should count my blessings...and I did try to take one blessing each time and magnify it so that it covers up all the other bad things happening...
But emotionally speaking, I am unable to cope...
I find myself at the brink of tears because I have to make my own glass of warm milk
I find myself fuming bad because I have to pick up other people's mess
I know I am over-reacting...and I am not proud of it
But that doesn't mean I can then rationalize myself into not feeling all these negative emotions

I grew up thinking that my daddy loves me and cares and will always be there for me
Only to be plunged into utter disillusionment when I was busy preparing for O-levels
Since then, it was one hope dashed after another...and since 18 years old, I have stopped believing in the male human species..
I don't trust the things they say, and I scrutinize every single action they make to find out their real motive
And more often than not, they prove me right...they don't keep their word, and when they are nice to you, it's only because they need you for something else that will benefit them.

Over the years of working, my male colleagues have proven that not all guys are bad...
Or at least, some guys are not as bad as the others...and there are those who do pull their weight and be there when you needed them...
Unfortunately, I was never one of the girls who can get the guys in her life to 'do her bidding'
Maybe because I am so used to taking care of everything because no one helped me...
And so, in that way, I attracted guys who need to be taken care of...
Which is probably why I have ended up where I am today...
In desperate need to be coddled and pampered, yet all I have is this blog and my bolster to tide me through the emotional storm

Even my own mother is unable to appreciate the needs I have...
So much so that when I make requests for certain things, I get rebuffed and at times, even reprimanded
"You're too picky, too demanding, too much!", my mother will say to me
And maybe this needy woman she is dealing with is so far off from the daughter she raised that she cannot understand why I am behaving so...

Perhaps...the crux of the issue is that all the 'neglect' I am feeling makes me feel like I am just not worth the effort...
I am not important enough, not high priority enough...basically not enough...

I feel so alone...
I dunno who to turn to for help...nor do I know how to help myself

Like driving along a deserted road without streetlamps or headlights
I dunno where I am, and I dunno where I am going

~lost~