Guilt...
So much guilt in me that I have no way to express it except by crying...
Yet, no matter how much I cry, the pain inside just doesn't seem to get any better...
It gnaws at me, day and night...
And with the guilt, comes the fear...
Gripping fear that paralyzes my thoughts and I lose control over myself...
In the end, all that is left is a mess which I don't know how to clear up...

I am now 14 weeks pregnant...
Minus the initial 6 weeks of pure oblivion, I have gone through 8 weeks of what I would describe as my weakest moments in my 29 years on this planet...for now
While I am not a triathlete or superwoman who is on the go all the time,
I pride myself for at least being on the ball and ready to go when needed.

But for the past 8 weeks, I have turned into a sickly, weak being...
I take more than twice the time to get up from a sitting position, and that is on a good day.
I pant and retch whenever I try to do anything faster
I feel like my stomach is going to perform an anti-gravity stunt whenever I smell something I don't like...
I roll around in bed, trying to find a comfortable position that will not cause my toes to cramp and also not cause aches and pain in my back and buttocks...
The 'me' who ran a full marathon, who goes for weekly runs and who can wolf down 4 pieces of roti prata kosong...she is gone...

Somewhere along the way, I start to resent my pregnant self..
for having to forego so many things which I like

Once a food lover, now meal times become my regular dose of nightmare TDS...and to not eat/drink some of my favourite stuff like fish, eggs, watermelon, tea and barley...and to force myself to consume food which I hated like milk and soy products...there are days where I find myself wanting to stamp my feet and throw a big fit just so I can get what I want

Having only recently start to love jogging, I find myself wishing that I am not pregnant just so I can join my colleagues for their weekly run to Upper Pierce..

Used to be one of the fastest PT to set up a patient for L******, I am reduced to relying on my TA to help with most of the set-up..and having to sit down during the whole training session...

After being on light duty for 2.5 years, going back to clinical work should have made my day...instead, I find myself panting alongside my patient while she effortlessly climb 15 steps on the stairs...light-headedness forces me to sit down every few minutes...seeing 3 patients, with the help of  TA, will drain me of all my energy that I feel like I need to lie down...gone were the days when I can see 4-6 patients at one go by myself...

All those computer times during my admin duty has trained my body to be able to stare at the computer screen for hours on end...but now, just typing this entry is making my head spin and stomach clench...

And with all these 'I want to but I can't', I begin to dread waking up each day...
Because each day brings more nausea, more fatigue, more giddiness, more resentment...
Yet, as the resentment start to build up, the guilt follows..
I feel guilty for thinking that I want to be un-pregnant...
And I fear that the little fetus floating in my womb will feel the resentment...
and that he/she will feel unloved...unwelcome..
and he/she will then choose to leave me..
But I do not resent him/her...it is just the symptoms and side effects of the hormones which I hate...

This internal war has caused alot of friction between panda and me.
He cannot understand how I feel..
And I don't know what to say to make him understand...

While I know, on a logical level, that he has his needs..
And everyday, I chant to myself to stay calm, be open and try to cater to his needs...
When the time comes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to stop picking on him...can't seem to bring myself to just bear with it and let it go..

I don't know how to help myself...or help him..
I only feel this emptiness inside...
He has no one to turn to for help..
And I have no one to turn to for help..

What are we going to do about the situation...
I still have 26 weeks to go...
And after that, there will be a little person whom we need to take care of..
How are we going to do that if we can't even take care of ourselves...

There is so much fear...
And so much guilt..
And I've shed so much tears...

Perhaps...I have overestimated my own abilities to be the person I hope to be...
I am not a bad person...
I am just not good enough...