I haven't announced it out loud...
But since I've already set up a blog for 'it', I might as well announce it here...

I'm pregnant!

...married barely 3 months ago and already coming to 13 weeks pregnant..

How do I feel?

1) Fear.
I am always criticizing how the children nowadays are so spoilt and will always roll my eyes or shake my head when a child is screaming or running amok on the MRT...
Now I wonder if all these criticisms are going to come around and stick their tongues out at me when my own child is screaming and running on the MRT...
So many what ifs goes through my head every time i have the luxury of zoning out..
Before I can zone into my happy place, thoughts just keep popping into my head...

And that persistent fear that the baby is not doing well...
Had a fall on Sat and since then, everytime I go toilet, I hold my breath and check that I am not bleeding...
And every little twinge in  my tummy sends my heart rate shooting up, fearing that it is a sign of miscarriage..
Even before the fall, I am always worried that somehow, the baby's heart has stopped beating but my body has not yet recognised it and therefore I am still feeling al the effects of pregnancy
So much fear...yet so little reassurance until the baby grows big enough for me to feel the movement...

2) Nausea
Oh..that dreaded feeling which has started back in Dec 2011
When I look at food and instead of drooling, I want to retch..
In fact, I don't even have to look at food...just thinking about it..or hearing about it is enough to send my appetite into non-existent
I try and count my blessings...like I am not vomiting (much)..and whatever I managed to eat has pretty much stayed down (most of the time)
But whenever mealtimes come around, I feel so helpless cos I just don't feel like eating anything
Yet, the growing human inside me also cause alot of hunger...
Hungry with no appetite...add a dash of nausea and that is just a perfect recipe for weight loss

3) Fatigue
I have never felt so tired in my life..
I don't feel like moving, I don't even feel like breathing!
Each morning is an uphill struggle to wake up...and then getting out of bed...getting ready for work etc...
And staying awake during work is almost impossible at times...
I am so tired that I'll feel dizzy and faint...

4) Mood swings
I am worried that I'll become schizo after this pregnancy..
I used to have pretty bad mood swings...and now, it's worse.
Poor Panda...

5) Anticipation
On a really good day, I will feel this little bubble of anticipation rising up and it'll light up into a smile on my face..
I look forward to holding my baby...feeding him/her, bathing him/her, playing with him/her...
Watching him/her grow and develop...
I look forward to taking many photos and videos...of outings to zoo, bird park, beach etc...

Hmm...looks like the journey so far has not been truly positive...
But, it is feeling no. 5 that kept me going..
That made me force-feed myself no matter how nauseated I feel..
That made me get up for work..
That made me stroke my lower abdomen every night before I fell asleep...

Entering 2nd trimester..
And hopefully, the nausea will fade, my energy will return...
And preparation for little Panda's arrival will be filled with even more anticipation =)

~going to be mummy!~