there are many bad phases in anyone's life..

the first time u fall down
the first time u fail a test/exam
the first time u fall out of love
the first time u fall so sick that u thought death is imminent
the first time u lose someone dear
the first time u lose something precious

etc
etc
etc

for some
these phases pass, they move on and it's history
for some
the phases comes and go, like a sinusoidal wave, high and low, positive and negative
for some (or should i say for me?)
the phases come, and i kinda get stuck in them..
and forget to move on...

there are too many bad things to forget
yet my brain somehow finds space for them to be stored
it's like living in all your worst nightmares combined together...


and so, even though verbally i said i've moved on...
truth be told, i have not..
from many many many incidents...

the first time my teacher ask to see my parents (primary 4)
the first time i failed a test (sec 3)
the first time my heart got broken (uni 1st yr)
the first time i thought i was gonna die from flu (uni 4th yr)
the first time my patient fell (uni 2nd yr)
the first time i had to handle a 'challenging' NOK (2006)
the first time i detest someone i used to love dearly (JC 1)

etc etc etc

everytime something bad happens, my brain automatically retrieve a similar incident from the past
and the effect becomes magnified, the emotions amplified
and if there was never a similar incident, this will then be archived into Gretel's subconscious

it's so very tiring
i'm telling u
fuel's running out
the energy i spend trying not to cry
can probably be put to better use

maybe wat i really need is to just release all the pent-up fustrations
or maybe wat i really need...
is a really good night's sleep

seriously thinking abt the future...
because suddenly, this is not the life i envisioned for myself
or maybe
it's just that i am so disillusioned with this profession...
that i'm losing all the passion i had
when i signed my name on the dotted line

there's not easy way out...
but i sure hope that somewhere along the way
i'll find a hand to hold on
because it's dark dark road ahead...
and i am so very afraid

~helpless~