was reading blogs of my juniors...
most of them complaining about their final year...
almost all of the complaints sound so familiar...
cos just one year ago...
my blog was filled with the exact same complaints...
now...
my blog is still filled with complaints...
which i really hope no one else have to go through ever again...

i really should learn not to look back..
someone once told me that in life, you look ahead...
and that someone happens to be one of the reasons i am always looking bad...
yet...
looking back seem to be my only source of consolation..
on days when my patients are FON and the load is overwhelming...
i relive the moments of coffee breaks during clinics...
on nights when my father is FON and loneliness become overwhelming...
i relive the moments of potlucks with CSkakis and lounging on futon with germ...
on days when i just can't seem to force a smile on my face...
i relive the moments of tai-di and starbucks gossip...
on nights when i tear up because mum ate the last carton of yogurt...
i relive the moments of baked pasta and HZGGIII...
everyday...
i find a part of my attention riveted to these memories...
trying to draw strength from the fact that i once was able to make myself happy...
as simple as baking pasta for myself...
or baking savoury muffins for the gals...
to more complex stuff like going for bodystep
or meeting yv to makan vege dumplings...
and so everyday...
i wonder to myself...
if i'll ever find that ability to make myself happy once again...

such an emotional wreck...
even seeing PDA on the mrt makes me wanna weep in sorrow...
P says she is on a 6 month 'abstinence' from guys...
in these 6 months, she'll not look at guys as 'meat'...
meaning she won't actively look out for potentials..
most of us think she's more in denial...
but i do admire her determination to at least try...
i dun even dare to look out for potentials..
the last time a potential came into my life...
he left behind alot of unfulfilled 'promises' and endless waiting...

and in a way...
i am still waiting...
waiting for things to come to an end...
or perhaps...
i am still waiting..
because i am waiting for things to finally start......?

i'm confused...
and tired...
and i've said these at least a million times...
i need a shoulder to cry on...
*sniffle*