“夜已深，还有什么人让你这样醒着数伤痕？”

a day that was to be filled with fun and laughter...
a day that was filled with fun and laughter...
and as the fun and laughter fades away...
as the silence of the night settles upon my weary soul...
i find myself oddly at peace...
that can only be attributed to physical exhaustion...

there wasn't much physical labour really...
i din do much except organising the games...
and in one moment when everyone was gathering round and chatting away..
i sat by myself facing the sea..
feeling the salty sea breeze graze upon my face...

as rachel came up from behind me and asked 'Gretel, are you okay? tired issit?'
verbally...i said 'no lah'
but deep inside, i couldn't agree with her more...
because i am not okay...and i am very very tired...
not physically tired...
but mentally...and of course, emotionally...

the past few weeks have been hectic...and very taxing on everyone in the CP team...
the high patient load had everyone working hard...
and i am sure everyone also had their fair share of grumbles and complaints...
call me negative...i dun really care anymore...
but as i look at myself right now...
and as i look ahead for the next few years..
this is going to be it
and i am really starting to wonder...
is this really what i want?

i'm sure everyone goes through this phase..
especially when you first come back from overseas and getting disillusioned by the working life...
i can't say i am not happy now...
there are moments which i laugh and joke...so, in those moments, i was happy...
but when night falls...
and i am left with me,myself and I...
alot of thoughts start to whizz through my head...
i dun really know what i want anymore...
alot of the happy scenarios i concocted months ago...
are no longer applicable...

not too sure if this is due to the reality check i have to go through...
not too sure what i can do to make things better...
c.h.e.e.r. u.p. just doesn't seem to do it...
and i can sense that the colleagues whom i've been confiding to...
are no longer interested in what i have to say...
not anymore...
and i do feel lost...
so...i really have no one to turn to anymore?

working life aside...
my personal life has also been in a mess...
relationship with dad is going downhill...
relationship out of the family?
let's not even go there...
besides...most people dun let me go there...
the usual 'gretel, u are still so young!' line...
young or not...that's not the point...
it doesn't matter whether i am 24 or 42...
i feel lonely and need company...
that's the point...isn't it?

i'm not sure why i am feeling so down...
and i'm not sure whyi am feeling so lonely...
suddenly craving for a long walk along the yarra...
or sharing stories over coffee at starbucks...
or walking home huddled against the cold, cold winds...
i miss the gals in melbourne...
need to talk to someone so much..
yet all i can find...
is me, myself and i...

不争气的泪水，缓缓滑落。
心里的呐喊，只有自己听得到。
数来数去的伤痕，有多没减。
告诉自己要坚强，
告诉自己要遗忘。
可是我现在真的好脆弱。
渴望中的那个肩膀，离我越来越远。
梦想中的那个自己，已经遥不可及。