it's scary when u look at the calender...
and realise that in the next 2 months, only got 2 free sat...

even scarier is that sensation of 'free fall'
when one loses control..and just fall...and fall..and fall

perhaps it's that..or maybe it's good'ol PMS...
super bad mood today... (sorry YQ, wasn't good company during lunch today)
what really triggered it off?
i also dun really know...
maybe the unfairness of the whole system is has finally wore my patience thin...
or maybe it's just the feeling of incompetence that plagued me
or maybe...
i'm just not happy.....

a question which i never found the answer to..
is why people always ask a 'sad' person to 'be happy'?
and they always say 'happy also like that, unhappy also like that. so why not choose to be happy?'
i guess wat i dun understand is why must i "choose" to be happy
if i am happy, i am happy..
if i am unhappy, i am unhappy..
no matter how i feel, it's impermanent..
eventually, happiness will fade...
unhappiness will go away
so is there something wrong with being in a state of 'not happy' and let nature take its own course...?
isn't it kind of a waste of energy to actively force oneself out of an emotion??

i couldn't make YQ understand my position...
in fact, i've yet to make anyone see from my point of view..

prefer to let myself feel the emotion..and then let it go away by itself..
perhaps i believe that when i am happy, i make full use of my happiness..
when i am unhappy, then just wait and let it go away...
this is based on the theory of impermanence...
nothing in life is gonna stay that way forever...

maybe some of u are gonna argue that i can make the unhappiness go away faster if i 'choose' to be happy...
i guess that's true for some people who have that kind of strength and endurance...
for me..it's just too much effort...and after trying it a few times, i realise that it's just easier to be in that feeling...rather than fight it....

but but, i dun mean it's good to dwell into a negative emotion
not 钻牛角尖.
wat i mean is to just feel the 'sadness' or 'anger' or watever negative feeling...
feel it rise..and then fall..and then disappear...
not to keep fueling it to rise further...

ooohhh well....
to each his/her view bah...
now the 'unhappiness' i felt in the afternoon is slowly ebbing away
maybe it's the 2 hour massage/facial that soothe my whole body..
or maybe it's just the knowledge that i can sleep till the sun rises tmr
or maybe nightfall brings a kind of peace and serenity
or maybe msn does have a healing power for me
or maybe it's being home...with mummy and daddy...

perhaps..it's all of the above

watever the reason...
all i hope for is a casual sunday....
maybe get some housekeeping and shopping done..
before the nightmare resumes on monday...

if only i can apply the impermanence theory to the unfairness in this world..
but it seems like unfairness is a permanent phenomenom...
here to stay..
just to remind us that life is imperfect..
deal with it...