remembering is so much easier...
when it is related to something painful...
be it the first injection you experienced...
or the first time your heart is broken...

forgetting is so much easier...
when it is related to something wonderful...
be it the first hug you received...
or the first time someone special tells u 'i love you'

i forgot how happy it is,
to care for someone and be reciprocated
i forgot how calming it is,
to sit and just listen to my own breathing...
i forgot how much warmth there is,
to sit around and laugh with the rest...
i forgot how wonderful it is,
to just live in the moment...

yet, every second of pain is carved into my memory...
the endless wait for sms/email to arrive...
the disappointment when things dun happen the way you thought...
the anger brewing within from being misunderstood...
each pang is new, even though it's years down the road...
each wound remains raw, even though the scar might be gone...

i wonder,
when would i learn to remember the good times...
and forget about the bad ones?
so many experiences i wanna relive,
yet i somehow only managed to find the bad ones.
each time i wanna take that step,
the past comes haunting...
taunting me to try and watch myself fail...again
and so, my foot retracts back...
and i retraced my way to the beginning...
to the point where i feel lost, helpless and hopeless...

craning my neck to look ahead...to find a way...
searching for the courage to go forward....
to leave the past behind, and to finally live with the pain...
and not to live in pain...

if i choose to go by my instincts,
i'm afraid of being wrong...
if i choose to follow my mind...
i'm afraid of losing my way...

i am not making sense in this entry..
and indeed, i am so confused by the current situation...
i wish time will stall...
and let me have the space to breathe..to think...
because each day is a struggle between heart and mind....
and at the end of each day,
i just stop and wonder if i've done the right thing...
or i've missed my chance for something better...

life's getting too complicated...again.