impermanence...
a concept i've been trying to grasp for a long long time...
a word i repeat to myself when things are bad...
a reminder to myself when things are good...
a fact of life that up till today, i still fail to fully appreciate...

and it's scary how impermanent everything is...
a patient who was happily walking yesterday...
can collapse and rest in peace today...
a patient who can barely talk yesterday...
can be up and chatting happily today...
a news that boosted my mood and self-esteem...
has turned into a demoralising situation overnight...
a somebody whom i've barely talked to for the whole of last week...
is suddenly on first name basis and chatting happily with me today...

'live as if there's no tomorrow'
'it's my life...it's now or never'
that's what i thought...
not a risk taker usually...
i am now craving to do something different
something which is not 'typical gretel'
something which may or may not change my life...
but will create a little excitement and fun
because everything is impermanent...
i thought i should make use of whatever time left in my impermanent existence to do whatever i can do...
especially when an opportunity comes knocking...
an opportunity which can be in fact, a trap...

it's all too confusing...
and i am pretty sure this confusion is impermanent as well...
when friday comes and goes...
i'd have made a decision...
and then...
the confusion will be replaced..
by anger?
by hurt?
by disappointment?
by regret?
by relief?
no one really knows...

impermanence aside...
currently...
the turmoil within is definitely making me feel really cranky..
sure, i won't be cranky permanently (though it's happening so often, it feels it's almost permanent)..
but sometimes...
u dun really wanna care what happens tomorrow...or 10 years down the road..
u just wanna live in the moment..
u just care about how you feel right now
even if i shouldn't be feeling what i am feeling...
point being...
i am feeling this way...
so stop telling me 'oh, but you shouldn't feel that way'
instead, why dun u try changing the way u feel?
then u will know that 'cheer up' and 'things will be fine'
are just empty words which bring no consolation at all...