there's something about lazing on my bed reading that makes me happy. i have no idea why that happens...but somehow, i feel contented just propped on pillows and bolster with a book in my hand. (okie..trashy novel..watever...)

but now...
that feeling of contentment is fading away, even though i really enjoyed the novel. it was trashy, but good-trashy. the romantic-comedy kind that makes me laugh and also go 'aaawwww' and wish that it will happen to me. and for this particular book, the ending will be a dream come true for me, if it does happen to me. which is why i am feeling like crap now, because unfortunately, my life happens in reality,not in fiction.

weekend ahead...
as usual, nothing is planned. but for once, i am glad. partly cos this week had been a really bad week for me at work...well, at least i think it was bad...my colleagues feel that i dunno how to handle stress. anyway, been really overwhelmed at work...and also, personal life is in quite a mess. many moments of tearswellingupbutcannotcry. so many times,i find myself zoning out while doing chest physio for my patients. i mean, there's only so much u need to concentrate on while percussing somebody...so leaves alot of remaining concentration to zone out and let the mind wander...and everytime i zone out, i find myself thinking about the same issues over and over and over and over...and it's just so hard to try and appear chirpy at work so that people won't think i am some psycho who cannot remember how to smile. many times,i find myself wondering why am i pretending to be someone i am not...and everytime, i just give up trying ot find the answer...because to most, it's not called pretending, it's called 'normal social behaviour'.

people like to hang around happy people...so, be happy and u get people hanging around with u!
but...what if i dun want 'people' to hang around with me? cos, social idiot that i am , i get uncomfortable. perhaps...what i am looking for...is a 'somebody' who i can share my life with. *hhhmmm* no, i am not talking about a life-partner. more like...someone whom i feel comfortable enough to talk to about the stuff that is really bothering me. sure, i talk to my colleagues about stuff...but, those are probably the superficial complaints i have...maybe to cover up for the deeper troubles within? i dunno...just feeling very loaded at the moment...too many things happening and as usual, having trouble trying to figure out what and when to do stuff.

perhaps...
i ask for too much? or i am just way too impatient...not too sure what the problem is. just a deep-seated mind-gnawing unease inside. like i am looking for something...someone...but i just can't find it...
or maybe, i did find it...but somehow, i lost it..

i've been starting on my 'i'm never gonna find a boyfriend' whines again...
and of course, i get the usual 'dun be silly' 'u are still young' blah blah blah responses. but, to be really serious, i dun see how i can ever find someone. i know i am way too passive...kinda like waiting for him to drop into my lap and solve the problem. and, yes, maybe the answer is to change and be active...but, let me quote a very old saying 江山易改，本性难移。i dunno how many people have actually successfully changed themselves from passive to active...or succesfully mould themselves from active to passive and back to active. at the moment, i am as active as an extinct volcano...and in a way, i like being passive anyway. though i do whine alot about not being asked out blah blah blah...i guess i din know that in order to whine, u have to be prepared to change whatever u are whining about. i mean...more often that not, people are just whining for the sake of whining...to vent out the fustrations and let off some steam...correct? so yeah, i whine...to make myself feel better...but, i honestly dun have the energy, nor the courage, to try and change anything. besides, i did try the active approach a few times...always get rejected. so, i am sick of getting rejected...

therefore...
my life now is just a waiting game...every moment of the day, i am waiting for something to happen...it is probably gonna be a long long game...and ultimately, i do doubt i will even have the ending i wished for...

it's ironic that i have the name of a fairytale character, yet my life is nowhere close to being a fairytale at all...