something's wrong with my blog. dunno if anyone else having the same problem. if i dun change my encoding to unicode, my whole blog just get screwed up...with the words all over the place. hmm...dunno what i've done to make it like that...argh. when i have the time (which would possibly be never ever...), i'd have to change the template again...

or maybe i'll need to start a new blog...?
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"you're going back for good soon"

if i have a dollar for each time someone says that to me over the past 6 months,
i'd have earned a few hundred dollars now.

S.O.O.N. - a 4 letter word that every single person seems over-zealous to drill it into my head.
in fact, since first year, this word just keeps popping up in every conversation.
as if it's a mantra that if i hear it enough, i'd get transported into the future.

now i really believe in the theory of relativity
not the bombastic one that einstein came up with..
but just the basic fact of life...
that everything you hear, see and feel...
it's all subjective...all relative to your own standards.
so while all the people around me feels the slipping of time..
the rush of "time flying"
the ability to use the four-letter S word here, there and everywhere...
i feel that i've been trapped in a time warp...
like i'm trapped in some space and not moving forward...

how soon...is soon?
a day? a week? a month?
i dunno...
the end is near...that i know...
but it just feel so out of reach right now.
time, in my point of view, has been crawling since 1st year.
though everytime i look back, i feel like time did flew...
yet looking ahead, it's like running on a treadmill...
one step after another...
but remaining on the same spot.

perhaps when the day comes for me to leave...
i'll look back and feel that time had flown
and i'll miss the times with germ..and the other gals
the times with the guys...
and the times with my crazy course-mates.

but at this very moment,
as i shiver in cold and feel my fingers going numb,
i long for the hot humid weather...
with a bowl of cold cheng teng...

somehow i've lost the ability to make other people understand how i really feel.
to be precise, i've lost the ability to mingle around people.
i'm perfectly happy being all alone...
and sometimes, i even get irritated cos i have company.
the pressure to make small talk...
the need to try and appear OKAY
although i am not exactly at the brink of tears,
sometimes, i just wanna quit pretending i am fine...
and be who i really want to be.

i've grown stupider.
i no longer know how to answer a simple question like "How are you?"
if i say i am fine, i dun really feel fine..
yet i say i am not good, i dun really know what's making me unhappy.

i'm confused...
am i happy? no...
am i unhappy? .........i...dun...know.......
so how am i doing?.........i......i.....i......really...dun...........know