last night was...mentally traumatic.

arriving back in my room after a steaming bowl of tangyuan (thanks to Gin and Yivern), swtiching on my comp and proceeding to my usual blog-reading spree. first stop, Germ's blog.

should have made that the last one...cos after i read the blog, my mood hit rock bottom, and uncontrollable tears and sobs wrecked through my whole body. it felt worse than when i first broke up with HW. it's a combination of everything that had gone wrong..and everything that can go wrong. battered...torn...watever word i choose to describe how i am is just too much of an understatement...so i just sat on my bed, and the dam was broken.

i cried...i broke down...i burned out

and that was how germ found me. face wet and still streaking with freshly flowing tears, hair in a mess, sobbing and shaking from deep within. and that was when i knew i had to say out how i feel. even if it means that i have to face whatever consequences that would befall me for being a petty bitch.

silence fell upon us most of the time. i admit i shouldn't have kept my feelings to myself...but i as too afraid to tell her, too afraid to make things worse... so, i chose to hide beneath a mask - a poorly made mask for the matter.and i chose to run. running away from the one place that i can call 'home' in this foreign land.

i've always been transparent when it comes to how i am feeling...but what i am thinking, that usually remains locked up until that moment comes and the lock is broken.

and that was yesterday

i ranted and raved to Ruby (whom i must very sincerely thank for keeping me company on that stroll along yarra river), then i sighed and moaned to Gin and Yivern. as if all these were to prepare me for that big outburst. and apart from the hurt and anger i felt for the past few weeks, i felt a deep sense of guilt...stabbing into my soul and laying a curse onto myself.

a curse that may never be lifted...a curse that would make me unhappy forever...

and this morning, my eyes felt like golf balls and my head throbs. my throat feels as dry as the Sahara...and my heart is still aching from the previous night's "bashing". would things be alright now? i dunno...and part of me really dun wanna find out.

because i can't deal with more disappointment, more broken promises...

for some, each day brings new hope...
for me, each day brings new doubts...and a very familiar sense of apprehension to what would happen..and what can happen.