when someone's happiness is another's misery

I am once again sucked into the pits of depression.

The impending arrival of JS makes me sad…makes me green with envy…makes me want to hide in a corner and cry my heart out. Although I am happy for Germaine, part of me just cannot stop being envious… It’s not as if I have anything to complain about. Han Wei visits me so often…I shouldn’t ask for more.

But, I feel like besides Germaine, I have no one else here. With JS here, I am going to lose my only social support. I feel scared. I feel lonely.

When I am at Austin, the sense of isolation hit me even harder. The students I am with for cardio are nice people. They try to talk to me, but somehow, an awkward silence always descends upon us.

I miss Han Wei terribly now. I miss his company…I miss being able to tell him everything I want to and have him there to hold me.

And I miss home. I miss being able to hide in my room and cry into my bolster. I miss the familiar sounds of TV just before I drift off into sleep.

And I miss my family. I miss just sitting around the dinner table and having dinner with them. I miss hearing my father complain about the lousy drama plot…I miss hearing my mum telling my father to relax and just enjoy the show.

The coming week is going to be a lonely week ahead. There are tons of activities going on, but I am not invited to any. And I understand why. I’m in third year, they are second years. I’m easily forgotten…

I crave for attention…I need attention…and more than anything else, I think I am due for a good cry to release all these pent up emotions I have bottled deep within my heart for so long.

Nothing in life is going to last forever. Friends would come and go…that I understand. But why is it that so far, I have more friends going than coming? Why am I the one being left behind?

Misery engulfs me. Agony shoots through my body. And it won’t be long till that familiar ache in my heart returns…and the tears start stinging my eyes.

A part of me despises myself. Another part of me detests myself. Am I that unlovable? Am I that difficult to get along? Is there something wrong with me?

Filled with self doubt, devoid of self confidence, brimming with self loathing- the three emotions I’ll bring with me to sleep tonight.