Huh, so it has been almost 4 years since I last wrote here.

And reading the last post...it feels like I am still in that place.

In the 4 years, I spent about 6 months doing what I did before (a.k.a. pseudo-SAHM), then went to work part time at SPA as an admin assistant...then I got pregnant and quit the job after 1.5 years... Meimei came into my life 21 months ago...and right now, I am back to that place.

Pseudo-SAHM.

Leaving BB was supposed to help me move on from that life. 

But I don't think I ever did move on. Or maybe I was really just moving in a circle...or a spiral... the circles get smaller and smaller and now it's like I'm spinning on the same spot.

That life... Dad continued on his drinking binges...until his health finally caught up with him and he suffered a left MCA infarct in March 2018. His poor participation in rehabilitation left him chair-bound... and then now more or less bed-bound in KWSH.

That life... it had been such a crazy 2015/2016 that I don't think I really moved on, or grieved properly. And in those darkest moments, I cry for my mom... and I plead for her to come and take me away. It's selfish... it's cowardly and weak... but there are many days (and nights) when I am so sick and tired of thinking for others, of pretending to be brave and strong. 

Because, I really don't think I am.

Comfort zone. Being where I am right now seem to be the most comfortable for me. I like that I get the home to myself for hours, and I can choose what to watch, what to do, what to eat etc... So if I am indeed comfortable, why am I feeling that something is lacking? Or rather, I feel that I am lacking.

Lacking in what? I wish I know.

J says I should get out and have more adult interaction.

YQ encourages me to get back to some form of work so that I am more financially independent and yes, adult interaction.

The truth is...adult interaction scares me. Because I am a huge cloud of negative energy and no adults want to be near that. I don't want to meet new people, make new friends... because if I don't do that, I won't risk being rejected. I won't have to face being left behind... or ostracized. 

So, in that sense, this isolated pseudo-SAHM status suits me. Let me wallow in my own negativity and not ruin other peoples' lives.

But... that spinning on the spot is really starting to make me sick. Question now is am I really sick? And how do I stop going round and round?