August is here...

somehow, august always bring back alot of memories...
good ones...bad ones...
happy ones...sad ones...angry ones...guilty ones...

maybe because it doesn't really hit me that the 2nd half of the year has begun until august rolls around...
or maybe because i always associate august with the cold and gloomy winter of Melbourne...

ah, winter in melbourne..
days of curling up under the quilt, jap curry and rice with HZGG, hot choc and jay chou
i never thought i'll miss melbourne this much...

anyway...back to august..

last year this time, i was fighting a bad bout of infectious mononucleosis and a 'cancer scare'
last year this time, i was fighting the urge to hold onto YQ and ask her 'don't go!'
last year this time, i was fighitng the fear of going under the knife, and under GA for the first time...
last year this time, i was fighting alot...physically, mentally, emotionally

one year later, i am fighting a 'bad bout' of (R) wrist pain with basic ADLs...
one year later, i am fighting the urge to take off to somewhere else by myself
one year later, i am (still) fighting the fear of going under the knife, and under GA for the 2nd time
one year later, i am fighting...physically, mentally, emotionally

fighting...
that seems to be the thing i do alot these days...
which is why everyday, when i feel down and exhausted, i can only tell myself that i cannot give up because if i survive this challenge, i'll be stronger for the next one..
yes, "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger"

only, on certain days...
something inside me gives way and all i want to do is to bawl my eyes out..
i don't want to be stronger..
i want to be a weakling and let someone else hold the fort for me..
i want to be protected, not proctecting
i want to be comforted, not comforting
i want to curl up and die, not stand tall and fight

today is one of those days...
that awfully drained feeling..
feeling all alone, fighting by myself...

yet i know curling up, being weak and giving up is not an option
because these are my own battles...
and who would be a better soldier than me, myself and i?

and so, with a dreadfully beaten-up body, utterly drained out mind and hopelessly low spirits,
i shall drag myself to my ever-loyal bed,pillow,crying kaki and eeyore...

tomorrow, another day of fighting...
maybe, if i just pretend that i am winning, i may find the courage to stand tall and shout

"WHAT DOESN'T KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER!!!"

*pppffffftttt*

yeah right...

~14 days and counting down~