it's been awhile since i've blogged more than once in a day...
usually when i do that...
it means i'm really bored...
or really troubled...

today...
it's both...
but in a way, today's been a rather good day..
apart from listening to my parents squabbling over lunch...
a good day...means no complaints..
so no ranting..no grouchiness...no disappointments...

unfortunately, my mood doesn't seem to pick up....
i'm not in a bad mood...
still can laugh..still can joke...
in fact, i think i'm probably getting quite good at putting that smile on my face
even though i'm really crying a river within

my mood...is subdued...
dun feel like having fun..because, it feels like a betrayal
dun feel like sitting around...because, i get bored
dun feel like crying, dun feel like smiling...
just reacting to the circumstances...

perhaps i've cried too much...
so that i have no more strength to sob
it's refreshing to know that i have the ability to fatigue from crying
and even nicer to know
that smiling is now less tiring than crying
therefore, it's so much easier to smile now

a load off my shoulders...
off my heart...
i can breathe now...
the palpitations have stop...
although the pain continues to throb...to stab...to torture me from within...
although the guilt will never go away...
at least for now...
i no longer feel trapped...cornered...helpless...

thank you to all those who have helped me
ur hug...ur smile...ur weird sense of humour...watever u've done
thank you...
because now, i feel at ease
and tonight, maybe i can finally collapse on my bed
no tears, no tossing
just sleep.

~smiling~