i've had a discussion with a friend many many times...
whether a blog is the same as a diary.
my stand is always the same...
a blog is public...
and so personal thoughts...feelings...and so on...
should be kept in a diary, not a blog...

not so long ago, i read an entry on a blog...
the blogger was very angry...and probably was hurt by somebody...
and an entry full of anger (and i would say hatred) was posted on the blog...
furthermore, it wasn't an annoymous entry...
in my opinion, i thought it was uncalled for...
but, i also understand that the blog belongs to that person...
perhaps by blogging about it, the blogger will feel better...
because
more often than not, i admit i also have the urge to rant..
and i mean serious ranting...not just mindless complaining...
but i try to hold back as much as i can...
because, i dun wish to abuse the space i have on this cyberworld...
and i guess some thoughts/feelings are just not supposed to be announced...
to everyone and anyone...

to be completely honest...i think i was just trying to run away
run away from the fear of showing how i really feel
the fear of facing the reason behind how i feel...
like how i am so afraid of confrontations...i avoid them...
but keeping the feelings inside eats me alive...and so, the urge to blog abt it becomes overwhelming..
subconsciously also hoping that whoever made me feel sad/angry/fustrated/upset will happpen to read the entry...

looking back at the entries i wrote...
a few of which were published..and then deleted...
because in the moment, i wrote it to make myself feel better...
only to regret it later...cos i end up hurting someone i care about...

it could be a moment of childishness...pure bull-headedness...
anger-induced altered mental state...
whatever the reason...
the need to vent is sometimes too much to bear...
times like that...
it's so hard to just swallow all the emotions..
and even harder to find someone to really listen...
at times like these...
i end up blogging abt stuff which i wouldn't if i am less agitated...
and after at times like these...
i often wonder if my blog is helping me..
or just giving myself an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate...

perhaps, i can say that my blog is like a mirror
which i keep forgetting to clean...
everytime i look at it,i see an unclear image of myself...
blurred...covered in dust...

sometimes i spend so much time organizing my thoughts to blog it...
trying to make it sound not too harsh, not too rude, not too personal...
and as annoymous as possible...
perhaps that's why the image of myself is so blurred...
because what i've blogged..
is no longer what i really thought or felt...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
falling sick does make one more reflective...
and the helplessness and loneliness that came with being sick...
makes one think way too much...
and feel way too much...