In memory of a very brave lady...

she will always be remembered..at least by me...
for she was there when i started my rotation in the ICU...
she took her first step in the ICU with me...
day-in, day-out..
twice a day...
percussion, vibrations and alot alot of suctioning...
she'll look at me with that fire in her eyes...
and thank me for clearing her airways so she can breathe better...
and we used to chat when she was off the ventilator...
when i stood her up to face the windows..and we'll chat about the weather...about her children...sometimes about religion...
she fought the battle with all her strength...and her faith...
i'll always remember listening to the children singing christian songs from her portable CD player while i p+v+Sx...
she was so close to going to the general ward..
so close to sitting in a wheelchair for a bit of time out in the sun...
it was a tough battle...yet the fire never left her eyes...
it was there...all the time...
her determination to get better...to get out of the hospital...to get back home...
then things went downhill...
she was put back on the ventilator...
and never manage to come off it....
over to the ICU side...i no longer see her as often...
once in a while, when i cover, i'll get a chance to see her...
and that fire...it was still there..
that burning desire for us to help her out of this...
and she managed to stay on a home ventilator...back over to HighD...

and i'll always remember what she told me during one of the PT sessions...
"remember how you used to make me do all those exercises by the bedside? i wonder when can i do it again?"
it was a simple question..rhetorical....but it brought tears to my eyes...
because...in my heart, i knew the answer can possibly be 'never'
but, i saw the fire still burning strong in her eyes...
i know she will fight to go home...
and she continue to battle on...fighting the SOB, the pain from the plugs and developing pressure areas...
yet...things just doesn't turn out the way we all wanted...
she had to go back to the ICU side...
and then...finally...
the fire left her eyes...
today... she can't open her eyes anymore...
it was taking all her strength to keep breathing...
so she had no more left to open her eyes...
i stood outside her room, separated by that glass doors...
i saw her still fighting...
yet, it was too long a battle...
her family knew..they gathered around her to say their goodbyes...
the quiet sobs...breaking my heart as i saw a little boy sob into the arms of a tearful gentleman...

when i went back to the ICU after lunch...i saw her empty room...
and the nursing staff confirmed my thoughts...
she has passed away...
i felt a part of myself heaving a sigh of relief for her...
relief because this long battle, has finally ended for her...
and another part shedding tears for this brave patient...
sadness because i really hoped she could win this battle...

i'm not a christian...
so i don't how to pray for her...
but...
i hope that now she is home with Him...she'll be happier...

may she rest in peace...