i developed sociophobia last year... meaning the fear of socialising...
and the fear persisted...
up till now...and i foresee it's gonna last for a long long time...
because right now...even the mere thought of going out (except with my parents)
makes my heart race and
believe it or not...
i actually hyperventilate...
pathetic doesn't begin to describe my current status...
sigh...

and when i mean going out...i do not mean a 'date'
because...to be honest...
i dunno what the actual definition of a date is...
according to jf...
it's when one guy and one girl goes out
and both of them are not attached...
hmm...i guess that makes sense hor?
but i've heard various other versions...
so i'm confused...
nonetheless...going out=go out and talk...
i.e. socialise...
i.e. trying to make myself look less like a loser...
i.e. mission almost-impossible
so, my racingheart and hyperventilation is not due to any feelings of attraction etc...
it's really due to the rush of adrenaline...
the fight-or-flight response all of us are born with...

and now..i've developed another fear...
pagerphobia...
easy to understand right?
it's the fear of pagers...
because today...my pager rang and rang and rang...
and in one day, i saw 8 NEW PATIENTS!
meaning...i barely have time to see my repeat cases...
if not for a collegue who helped to take on another 4 new cases...
i think today would have been a disaster...
so now, everytime i think of my pager ringing...
i feel myself tense up and yes, heart races and hyperventilates...
this phobia is really draining...
so much so that by the time i went to ICU in the afternoon to see one of my patients i had no time to see in the morning..
i feel like i've been through one week of work instead of just one day...
and i guess it was written all over my face...
typical gretel: no hiding of any feelings.

and the fact that it was pouring with rain when i arrived back in BB
just made my mood hit another low...
oh, and i have to treat my family to dinner tonight cos it's my bro's bday tmr..
and it's supposed to be my first official payday
oh well...i dun mind spending the money lah...
just that the rain kinda spoiled my mood already...
usually i like rainy nights...
provided i am home and dry and in bed...
but not when i am trying to enjoy curry fish head while being splattered by rain drops
*bleah*

sigh...
night brings that familiar loneliness
that stays even when i am not physically alone...
the usual waitandseewhocomeonline game...
which always end with me signing off after waiting hopelessly for some kind soul to talk to me
i really should stop playing this game...
and just get on with life...
i.e. watch tv and sleep!

the week is just beginning...
and i am already thinking of the weekend...