"the reality is sinking in. in about 2 hours time, the 2nd years are gonna be having fun at someone's place...and i won't be there. i'd e having dinner alone.
the pain is starting to reach my consicousness...right in the middle of my chest. a constricting feeling that makes me gag and fight to breathe.
the isolation is building up. i got out of the apartment to escape, to try and stop the pain...to try and get air into my lungs."
is this a panic attack? i never had one before,so i dunno. i guess it's not serious enough to be one...but i am very scared...very alone...very sad.
this morning at vic mkt, a part of me wish i would somehow bump into germ and js...and another part of me pray hard that i would not. wanna bump into them so that at least i w0uld have said something to someone else today...dun wanna see them cos the sight of the happy couple can do serious damage to my lonely heart.
i feel immensely sad...yet somehow,the tears that usually accompany my sadness is not flowing. all the emotions trapped inside me. threatening to burst out of my body anytime soon. i rather i cry...then at least i feel better after that.
i've never felt this kind of isolation since 1st year. somehow,after 1st year...every weekend i would have some form of company during the day. but today,everything changed. plunged back into the emptiness of my apt...with no one to talk to...no one to approach...and maybe,no one cares?
i long for the guys to be here. then maybe we can play soccer...and someone would be there with me for dinner.
i long for my mum to be here. then she would cook yummy stuff for dinner...and we have nice long chats after dinner.
i long for han wei to be here. then perhaps we can go out for dinner...and take a romantic stroll along the Yarra river.
i hope and i wish and i pray for some form of company.
but my hopes are dashed...my wishes gone with the wind...and my prayers unanswered.
it's gonna be a long and lonely week ahead...
and today...... is just the beginning......
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